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Characters:

LINDA

Would you like another cup of coffee?

JAMES

Hmmm?

LINDA

Do you want another cup of coffee?

JAMES

Hmmm!

LINDA

Hmmm! Does that mean yes—I want another cup of coffee or does that mean no-I don’t want any more coffee?

JAMES

Hmmm!

LINDA

Dear, would you pass me part of the paper? I need to scan the advertisements to try to find some bargains.

JAMES

Hmmm.

(Linda gets up and takes part of the paper.)

JAMES

What are you doing?

LINDA

I need to look through the ads and try to come up with some ideas so that I can finish my Christmas shopping. Do you want more coffee?

JAMES

No. I had enough. I just want to finish reading the paper before I leave for the office this morning.

LINDA

(Looks at the paper) Good grief!

JAMES

(James lowers the paper) Is something wrong?

LINDA

Yes, something is wrong! There are only twenty—one days left until Christmas!

JAMES

Is that all? I thought something bad had happened. Don’t do that again! You could give me a heart attack.

LINDA

What do you mean is that all? There are only three weeks left until Christmas and I have a lot of presents to buy. What am I going to do?

JAMES

I'm sure I don’t know. I have to leave in ten minutes and I want to finish reading the paper. (James holds the paper up in front of his face to read it)

LINDA

I really don’t know what to buy for your brother. John has everything. Do you have any ideas?

JAMES

Hmmm.

LINDA

James! I am talking to you. (Linda tears a piece of newspaper, makes a little ball, and throws it at James raised newspaper, hitting the paper in his hands.)

JAMES

(Lowers paper) What was that? (Picks up ball of paper and looks at it) Linda, what are you doing?

LINDA

I am trying to get your attention.

JAMES

I am sorry, dear. I was not trying to ignore you. (He slowly folds newspaper and lays it on the table) You have my complete attention.

LINDA

What can I buy for John? He is hard to buy for because he has everything. Do you have any suggestions? What can I buy for your brother?

JAMES

You're right. My brother has everything imaginable. There is not one thing that we could buy that he does not already own. I have an idea. Don’t buy him anything.

LINDA

(Shocked) You can’t be serious! What are you going to say when he hands you a Christmas present?

JAMES

I’ll say, thank you. I didn’t buy you anything because you already have everything.

LINDA

You can’t be serious. If you don't buy anything for your brother, you won't get anything from him next year.

JAMES

(Sarcastically) That would be a loss. Do you remember what he bought me last year? A tie with daffy duck on it. Where am I going to wear a tie that has a picture of daffy duck on it? Do you think I could wear it to church or to a board meeting? Oh, yeah. That’s just the image I want to portray, a cartoon character.

LINDA

Then there is my sister. I have to pay full price for every thing I buy for Janet. I can't buy anything on sale.

JAMES

Why not?

LINDA

Because no matter what I buy for her, she asks for the receipt so that she can return it. Either the color is wrong, or it is the wrong size, or it won't match her décor. It would embarrass me to death if she found out that I bought her gift on sale.

JAMES

Buy her something generic. Get her a gift that everyone can use.

LINDA

I tried that last year. I bought her a beautiful vase. She said it was too tall. She exchanged it. (Pause) Got any other ideas?

JAMES

Buy her ten pounds of spaghetti noodles.